I just simply fell out of the habit and motivation. I'm hardly turning on my computer to log into eve very much lately. I occasionally go in, to check my bids and place items on the market to keep my cash building up, but I really haven't had a lot of solid play lately.
I really missed good opportunities to talk about Christmas, and to post photos, but I wasn't in the best of spirits that week. To be honest, I had a lot of disappointment of how that week flowed. I tried not to set high expectations, but it seemed to me that my children had far more fun visiting each other, and didn't spend the kind of time I was hoping for with me.
One big disappointment was Kimberley's boyfriend who visited only for a few short hours, and spent much of that time playing with his iPad. I feel I really haven't met that kid and don't really know what to think of him apart from him being pretty self absorbed. But who's to say I have the correct impression ? I hope to really meet him someday.
Julie and I had a disagreement over her slide show, I'm still not very happy with the result. The problem was that we viewed the intention differently. She originally was creating a video to feature mom, but at the last minute changed its format so it appeared to me that it was a video for my kids.
I felt that if that were the case, it was missing a few elements. It was largely a good slide show, it just could have been better.
So here it is January, and my life is largely on auto pilot. My work is not very challenging, and when I come home there's little to do but get ready for the next day of un-challenging work.
Last night for example, Laura had parked her car in the garage, and then was up in her computer room. I assumed she was out somewhere. It wasn't until well after 10PM that I knew there was anyone in the house. I just burned the time watching the American Experience episode of the West Virginia Coal Miner's War.
So I've been moody of late. I keep thinking of the happier times of my life, and that there's no return to them. I had once been told that the secret to happiness is always having something to look forward to. The mind becomes unhappy with looking back, and yet I do it.
I've completed five of the six planned Taxotere infusions. I seem to tolerate them well enough. Typically I get an infusion on a Wednesday, and then by the following Saturday the fatigue really kicks in - often I can't make it to Mass on the Sunday following an infusion. Going to work that Monday is very difficult, but I drag myself through it. Then typically by Tuesday, I'm at "full strength".
I have an MRI scheduled for tomorrow, this was prompted by severe back pain I had last Tuesday. I don't know where it came from. I was well when I had gone to bed, and started to feel it develop around 02:00. By 06:00 I was in tears, and Laura took me to the Emergency Room.
All I got there was some IV morphine, and a prescription for Perocoset. I should have insisted that the ER doctor consult with my oncologist's clinic. My oncologist, Dr. Burgess, got wind of the ER visit, and talked to me that Wednesday as was previously scheduled. However, had he been contacted that night, he would have required the MRI on the spot. Dr Burgess also made me promise that for any future ER visits, I would make certain his office would be called before I would be discharged from the ER.
By Thursday however, the back pain was gone, and very little explanation of the cause. I expect the MRI tomorrow will show nothing.
So getting back to this looking forward as the formula for happiness. Until Christmas, I was just looking toward Christmas - Now, I don't really have anything in the future planned. My income and expenses are so tight, that the last vacation I ever planned was Rome in Dec 2000. I don't see me having another trip anywhere any time soon.
Sorry, I didn't intend to bring everyone down, I was just prompted by a few that I needed to get back into posting something. I just got a text message from Mom asking me to post. So I finally did.
As far as weight goes, Christmas did me some "good" in that I'm up to about 290 pounds which is pretty normal for me, though I may say, I would normally be a leaner 290 than I am now - clearly I have a higher fat content than last year.
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